OT: (humor) English is hard!
Message #1 Posted by Ren on 20 Apr 2007, 10:57 a.m.
As this is an international forum that communicates in English (usually!), this posting is to remind native English speakers, of the difficulty others have learning our tongue.
My brother sent it to me this morning.
Ren
dona nobis pacem
Subject: English is hard
Can you read these right the first time?
01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time
to present the present.
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all
the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an
alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
Has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretaryto write UP
a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish
UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times
the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be
dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a
desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can
add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might
try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a
lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a
hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP ,
so........... Time to shut UP.....!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do
at night? U P
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