|Re: Direction of HP Calc Div - New Products|
Message #2 Posted by Mr. Guaca Mole, (HP insider) on 7 Dec 2001, 2:34 a.m.,
in response to message #1 by Clem
*** INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY ***
Embedded and Personal Systems Product Introductions for 2002
Report from Calculator Team:
We appreciate the confidence you've shown as we reorganize the office. (The plants are really lifelike, but they are silk, so they don't need watering, but thanks to all those who wanted to help.)
We're working quickly to create a splash in 2002. Our R&D budget for this year was well-spent on that wild trip to Hong Kong. We are bringing out many new products we found, fortifying our reputation in the industry as innovators.
So here they are:
* Ravecalc: basically a 6s translucent calculator with a compartment to hold a Cyalume-type light-stick. The calculator then glows as if it were radioactive. This ought to be really popular amongst those in our target demographic, and in Idaho.
* Squeezecalc: an extension of technology developed for our keyboards, this new product features a whole calculator body made completely of molded urethane. It's all squishy, and you could drive over it like a roadkill possum and it will return to its original shape without cracking. The perfect calculator for those overloaded book-bags.
* Hobbitulator: licensed product to ride the wave of the biggest movie sensation to hit since "Pearl Harbor". A learning tool, this machine hides the answers of calculations, and invites the user to input a guess. Digitized sound FX will praise or goad the user on to the correct result, my preciousssssss.
(We are still working on this one. Early market testing showed strong negative reactions in certain communities-- but the early prototype we acquired for test had been pre-programmed with the voice of "Jar-Jar Binks". Hobbitization is proceeding on schedule for next test.)
* 12c-II: not forgetting that still-lucrative business market, we are in negotiations to produce a limited-edition 12c-II by revamping the venerable 12c with the Onstar(tm) system. A button on the calculator will connect the user with a live operator via satellite, who can remind the executive where he has parked his car. The ultimate status-symbol, for this product we are looking to extend our distribution channel to Sharper Image and selected GM dealerships. Also investigating the addition of bright-gold trim "Escalade"-type accents.
Though some may criticize our decision to have outsourced all of this on short notice, we are merely inventing a new way of working. We are aware that a lot of this stuff even Casio has not yet dared to market. But radical ideas are not bad ideas. In the spirit of sharing these ideas, we can work together to change the world.
<< attention: the Calculator Team will not be in the office during the weeks of Dec. 18th-Jan.6th, as I've got a lot of late shopping to do and two orthodontic appointments to keep, and of course the holidays. See the rest of you all at the party! >>
P.S.-- This was a PARODY. Don't send this out to the newsgroups, they'll only wet themselves unnecessarily. Repeat: this was a PARODY.